There and Back Again: Legolas's Painful Experience
by TheBoredOne XIII
Summary: It all started with a trip to Lothlorien... but then.. SHE arrived. DUN DUN DUN... This was written with ElvenCherry07 alternatively during Latin class. Technically AU. ONESHOT


Okay, I wrote this with the help of ElvenCherry07. Go check out her fics if you'd like. She scares me. But anyway..

This is a 'line-by-line' story written in our Latin class because we were bored as hell. The _Italicized_ parts are ElvenCherry07's, and the normal parts are mine. Enjoy.. or not. :D

Warnings: Randomness, OOCness (MAJOR OOCNESS.), Shounen Ai (Or Slash, if you prefer..), Fangirl Bashing, Character Bashing, and this doesn't actually fit in anywhere with the actual story line, so just bear with it, or don't read it. Okay, thanks.

Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters except for Fangirl #1, Fangirl #2, Jeeves, and the Tater Guy. All LOTR characters belong to J.R.R. Tolkien-sama. We're just taking them and making them look stupid. :D Also, if it sounds like we're being really mean and making Legolas act like your cliche gay guy, and therefore insulting Legolas and gay people, we are insulting Legolas, but we mean no insult or harm to gay people. Sorry D:

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_It was a dark and stormy day._ Legolas had forgotten his umbrella.  
_"Aiieeeeee!" He screamed. "MY HAIR! MY PRECIOUS HAIR! Oh, the humidity of it all!"  
"Preciousss? Wheressss?"_  
"Oh. Em. Gee!" Legolas got a brilliant idea! He shot Gollum, skinned him, and made an umbrella. Then he continued on his merry way to Lothlorien.  
_"Why, hello Legolas!" said Galadriel. "What a lovely Gollum-coloured umbrella! Did you get it in Minas Tirith?"_  
"Nope. Made it myself. Is Haldir around?" he replied.  
"Haven't seen him. Go ask Celeborn. He might know. But he probably doesn't. Good luck with that." said Galadriel, turning around to check on her batch of cookies.  
_"Um." said Celeborn. "Who?"  
"HALDIR!"  
"Tall guy with pulled back blonde hair who looks like Lucius Malfoy and has a big bloody gaping wound in his head?"_ (A/N: I know. This is completely incorrect. I pointed it out to ElvenCherry07, but we were too lazy to fix it.. SORRY TT; I'll kick her for you if you ask me to :O)  
_"YES! That's it!"  
"Nope. Haven't seen him. But my lovely talented grandnephew is around if you like..."_  
"Celeborn... dear..." said Galadriel "That's your inflatable Trotter doll."  
"Oh. Oops."  
Legolas rolled his eyes and proceeded away from the grove where Galadriel was baking cookies and headed back home to Mirkwood to complain to his daddy, Thrandy. I mean... Thranduil. Thrandy was baking cookies.  
_"Hi dad."  
"Hullo!" Thranduil beamed at his son. "Do you like my new apron?"  
"Wow!" Legolas said. "It EXACTLY matches the color of my new umbrella! Ohmigod! Great minds think alike!"_  
"I know! Gollum is the new black!"  
"Hell yeah. But dad. I came home to rant and complain!"  
"About what?"  
"I think Haldir is hiding from me! >:O"  
"Oh?"  
Legolas went into a long rant. Thrandy's cookies finished cooking, and they continued talking over milk and cookies. Then, suddenly, they were interrupted by someone entering the room.  
_Someone or SOMETHING. It appeared to be.. a walking barrel. "Er.. Hello?" it said.  
"Eeep!" said Legolas. "It's a TALKING walking barrel! This called for DRASTIC MEASURES!"  
Thrandy nodded. "I completely agree." He jumped to his feet. "HALT! Who goes there? State your name and your business or else I'll.. I'll.. use you as a battering ram to get into my wife's secret dungeon!"_  
Suddenly the barrel flew off of the thing under the barrel and hit Thrandy in the nose. Poor Thrandy. Anyway, the thing under the barrel latched onto Legolas' leg.  
"Squeee! Lego I "AHHH!" Legolas screamed. "What is this thing! What does it mean by less than three me!"  
_The Thing stood. Legolas was shocked to see that it was nearly as tall as he. It had brown-blonde-purple-black hair and glitttery eyes and pointy ears. It could has almost passed for an elf, but for the fact that it had no nose.  
"Sor-ry" said the thing, now known as the Fangirl. "I SUCK at noses. They always look like triangles. And nostrils? Ew!"_  
Legolas stared at her, dumbfounded.  
"Who are you?" he asked.  
"I'm your number one bestest fan of all time!" she latched on again.  
"SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! HAAAALP!" screamed Legolas. "AHHHH!"  
Many of Legolas's faithful elf servants rushed in and shot at the fangirl. But alas! The arrows merely bounced off of her with a dink! sound.  
"GASP!" gasped Legolas.  
"GASP!" gasped the elves.  
GASP! is right. Not only was it a noseless, mouth-breathing, leg-latching, barrel-wearing fangirl... but it was a SUPER POWERED noseless, mouth-breathing, leg latching, barrel-wearing fangirl.  
"Teehee." teehee-ed the fangirl. _ "I have Frodo's cool white armour! Only it has extra support for my gigantic chest!"_ (A/N: Forgive me, Tolkien-sama D: It was not my idea. bows head in remorse)  
_ "Noooo!" screamed Thrandy. "The prophecy is true! The age of Fangirls has descended upon us! Get that fucking boat, I'm outta here!"  
_Unfortunately for Thrandy, Legolas had already taken the only boat and paddled as fast as he could away from the forest.  
Fortunately for Thrandy, the fangirl took off after him in her own boat, which was being paddled by some invisible force, which was actually fangirl #2 wearing a ring ripoff.  
_"Oh good!" said Thrandy. "Just in time for my secnod batch of cookies!"  
Meanwhile, Legolas was paddling and paddling, but the fangirl was quickly gaining. At last, she took one giant leap and cast herself into the air, aiming for his cozy little elven boat.  
Happily, she overshot the mark. Plop!_  
"Sadly, as Legolas was paddling, he didn't see the fangirl in the river in front of him. He heard a THUMP, but ignored it. That's not the sad part. The sad part is that the fangirl latched onto the end of the boat and was carried all the way to Rivendell. No, I don't know why the river from Mirkwood leads to Rivendell. But it does.  
_Elrond, for all his prescience, did not see the little lump at the end of the boat. He was too busy waving his thumb. "HEY! I need a lift."  
"...Why?"  
"Because I want to see my daughter and that horrible, no good, MORTAL, son-in-law..."  
"Oh," said Legolas in a surprised voice. "So this river goes to Gonder too?"  
"Sure, why not?"_  
"If this river goes so far, why didn't you just give us aboat and send us along the river?" asked Legolas.  
"Uh..."  
Luckily for Elrond, the fangirl decided that now would be a good time to jump onto the boat and latch onto Legolas's back.  
Not-so-luckily for Elrond, she missed and latched onto him instead.  
_"Atchoo!" She sneezed, spraying fangirl germs all over Elrond. "I think I have... pneumonia! You guys have to nurse me back to health."  
"Hmm..." said Elrond. "Maybe... Here, why don't you lie down in this really cramped boat?"  
_ "Kay!" The fangirl laid down.  
"Close your eyes..." said Elrond, soothingly.  
She did. Legolas and Elrond made a mad dash in the general direction of Rohan. Along the way, they beat up two humans and stole their horses and lunch money. Back in Rivendell, the fangirl opened her eyes, looked around and was very surprised to see that Legolas had run away.  
"Awwwh!" she awwwh-ed. Then she pulled out her certified Eggo my Lego™ tracker and went on her merry way. Along her merry way, she ran into fangirl #2, who she beat up and threw into the river. Not before stealing her cheap ring knockoff and lunch money, of course.  
_Meanwhile at the lunch stand!  
"Hear ye! Hear ye! Fresh hobbit taters, right off the grill! Come get 'em while they're hot!"_ (A/N: No, I don't know why this guy is GRILLING taters.)  
_"Hello... me and my lovely friend here'll take twelve each, please."  
"Certainly." the lunch-seller looked around. "Business is certainly slow today; except for you chaps."  
Legolas shrugged and took a big bite. He choked.  
"Er... are these taters FOR hobbits, exactly, or FROM hobbits?"  
"AHA!" said the Fangirl, who had followed the Eggo my Lego™ tracker to the very spot. "I FOUND YOU! Hm, I'm hungry now." She reached out and grabbed one of the funny brown and very, very blue lumps. "Mm.. hobbit taters!"  
_ The vendor smacked the fangirl's hand away.  
"These aren't free!" he said bitterly. "I went through a lot of trouble to catch those hobbits! And even more trouble to get the meat off of their scrawny little bones!"  
Legolas and Elrond ran to the nearest little elves' room. The fangirl on the other hand, sat down and happily munched on Legolas's left over hobbit taters. After she finished, she set up camp outside the bathroom. Legolas and Elrond snuck out the window.  
_Unfortunately, the window was on the second floor.  
"Why." grumbled Elrond, "does this always happen to ME?"  
"i don't know," said Legolas in a muffled voice. "but could you roll over a bit? You're sitting on my braid."  
"AIEEE!" the fangirl, who had heard the crash, ran over. "ARE YOU OKAY? I can kiss it better!"_  
"I'm FINE." declared Legolas.  
"Are you SURE!"  
"YES. Touch me and... I'll die."  
"Oh no! Why?"  
"Uh... I'm allergic to you!"  
"But..." the ganfirl latched onto his leg. "NO!"  
"Waaaah..." Legolas turned and gave Elrong a dirty look. "Help!"  
"HA!" Elrong turned and walked away. "Good luck!"  
Legolas did the only thing he could do. He knelt down and cried. As soon as the fangirl let go of his leg to comfort him, he kicked her in the stomach, mounted his horse and rode away.  
_"Aww," the Fangirl thought, "He's SHY! That's SO adorable!"  
She jumped on her own Harley and dashed after him.  
Eventually, after a huge high-speed action chase, they found themselves in... The Fangorn Forest. (dundundunn!)  
Quickly, Legolas climbed an Ent. "Save me!"  
"Whatt isss theee trrrouble, elllfff?"  
_ Legolas pointed downward frantically. He would have said something intelligible, but he couldn't think of a word to accurately describe the fangirl. But then...  
"It! IT!" he shouted.  
The ent, who was in actuality Quickbeam, looked down and to his horror, he saw the fangirl. He stepped on her. The fangirl used her super fangirl powers to flip over Quickbeam, and Legolas was flung out of Fangorn Forest, through the realm of Gonder, over the wall that guarded Minas Tirith, and right into Aragorn's dining room, where he (Aragorn) was enjoying lunch.  
_Splat! Aragorn looked up in surprise. When he saw Legolas sitting in the scrumptious chocolate cake, covered with whipped cream and icing, he frowned. "You're early... I didn't order the chocolate-covered elf until TOMORROW. Although you do get points for presentation! JEEVES!"  
_ "What the fuck is a Jeeves?" Legolas asked as he climbed out of the cake.  
A Jeeves, as you can probably imagine, is a little man who finds pleasure in throwing himself at walls. Aragorn found this quite entertaining. Arwen did not... but Glorfindel did! And so did ELrond. Those two were sitting next to Aragorn laughing at the little man. Legolas stared.  
"AHEM." Legolas cleared his throat. "ARAGORN! We must PREPARE!"  
"For?"  
"THE FANGIRL!"  
A shriek was heard. Jeeves had thrown himself out the window in fear.  
_"Awww..."  
"AHEM! The FANGIRL?"  
"Don't worry," said Aragorn soothingly. "We get them all the time. For some reason they all think they're related to my wife. Now, all you have to do is..." He whispered in Legolas's ear.  
_ "How will throwing myself at the wall help?" yelled Legolas.  
"So.. you're not going to?" Aragorn asked with a pout.  
"No!"  
"Awww!" Awww-ed Elrond, Glorfindel, and Aragorn.  
Legolas gave them his best "I'm MAD at you!" look and stormed out of the citadel.  
"Prepare for battle!" he screamed. "We must fight the greatest evil we've ever seen or known! TO ARMS!"  
_"TO ARMS!" Rousing battle-music played. The good men of Gondor hastily donned their armour and rushed to defend the city. They were just in time, too, for just as the gates swung closed, a little speck appeared across the plain.  
It was the Fangirl. She was wearing long, white robes, and leading an entire elvin procession. She was trying to look noble but really was suffering from a wicked case of saddle burn.  
_ Also, the elves, in actuality, were a whole army of fangirls, united to get Legolas and tie him to a four-poster bed. People everywhere shuddered at the thought.  
The fangirls approached as the men of Gondor loaded the catapults. The tendion grew. The soldiers pulled back their bowstrings in preparation. The king stood on a high platform, ready to deliver the pre-war prep talk... He opened his mouth of speak.  
"PARTY!" he yelled. All of the soldiers fell forward on their faces. Legolas smacked Aragorn in the head and shouted "FIRE!" The soldiers fired. A long, dramatic, overdone battle ensued. The soldiers were fighting a losing fight... HOWEVER! When they realized that all they wanted was Legolas, they gladly handed him over.  
Legolas cursed. A lot. He looked around him. Fangirls to the right of him, fangirls to the left of him. Fangirls everywhere! He almost wanted to curl up into a fetal position and cry. No, wait, that's what he did. He fell to the ground, curled up and cried. Behind him, he could still hear the sounds of partying Gondor soldiers. He silently cursed them between sobs.  
"AWWWH! HE'S SOO CUTE!" cried the fangirls.  
Legolas put his hands over his ears, stopped crying, and tried to ignore the heart-eyed fangirls and remember what Haldir had told him.  
FLASHBACK  
"If you're ever stuck outside Minas Tirith, where Aragorn is throwing a wild party, and you're surrounded by fangirls doing the heart face and you don't know what to do, first, never fall to the ground, curl up and cry..."  
'Oops..' thought Legolas.  
"...Next, stand up, smile, and say..."  
END FLASHBACK  
Legolas stood up and smiled. The fangirls swooned.  
"I'm GAY!" he declared.  
There was a moment of silence. The fangirls stopped doing the heart face. What happened next made Legolad cover his ears. A loud shriek-cry-wailing sound was heard. All the fangirls dropped to their knees and contributed to the sound. When it finally stopped, the fangirls shriveled up and turned into piles of ashes.  
With a sigh of relief, Legolas returned to the citadel to go kick Aragorn's head in for allowing his soldiers to hand him over to the fangirls.

THE END

**EPILOGUE**

Legolas: Legolas did indeed return to Lothlorien and find Haldir, who he thanked graciously for that piece of advice, but not before kicking Aragorn's head in and having some more milk and cookies with his dear old dad, Thrandy.

Elrond: He remained in Minas Tirith for a while, bonding (and getting drunk) with his son-in-law, who he was taking a new liking to.

Tater guy: He stopped making taters, to the relief of hobbits everywhere. Although it has been said that he now runs an underground operation where hobbits are kept as tater cooking slaves.

Aragorn: He got his head kicked in, but was too drunk to notice. He later has a run-in with a Zaphod Beeblebrox, and was inspired to change his ways. Gondor was prosperous again. For a few days anyway. Then he got drunk and sold his kingdom to Gandalf for a beer.

Jeeves: Jeeves has not been seen since he threw himself out of that window, but rumours tell of an entertainer in the west with a portable wall.

The Fangirls: Their defeat was celebrated in Middle Earth for a long time to come. But will they every be TRULY defeated?

END. (Really, this time.)

Review plx. :O Hehe. Okay, put your tomatoes away D: Review PLEASE. 


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